"Baby" is a valuable prize for parents but being parents is not easy. Many parents may feel the weariness from the pressures arising from raising a child. Most of them are not prepared for this before while they want their children to grow up to be happy and capable of making a living. Frequently, they feel that they are hopeless to take care of their babies and all of these pressure make parents manage their kids with violence.
In the learning process in order to serve the role of parents, they will need a support for information, training and mental support from their families, peers, community and society. They also want correct methods and appropriate skills as well. It's not too difficult for parents to develop their childrens skills, and to motivate the children to behave properly. This learning process not only helps parents to manage childrens behavioral problems, but it also helps parents enjoy raising children and reduces incorrect child rearing methods.
Five things that the parents must realize
1. Provide safe and interesting environment.
Safe environment with physical security, psychological safety and family atmosphere filled with love and care as well as proper treatment for children according to their age will allow children to have a comprehensive learning. Thus, there will be a variety of activities for parents to share with their children.
2. Stimulate appropriate learning.
By pay attention to the childrens learning according to their cognitive, emotional and social aspects. Parents should help their children learn these essential skills by observing and encouraging them to succeed in learning.
3. Discipline with love.
Parents need to train the child to be disciplined constantly. Parents should show interests in the childs behavioral problems and earlier intervene them. Serious training but gently could help the child be responsibility and can control himself.
4. Set expectations.
Parents often expect on their children. Parents who understand this will be able to accept their children according to their developmental age. In addition to the age and development of the kids, the acceptance and understanding of individual differences allow parents to train children to learn skills such as excretion, eating and dressing, but if the expectations of parents on the child are too high, for example, the expectation that they will obey at all times. When the kid fails to do so, parents are disappointed, feel conflicts in child care and turn to using violence with a kid.
5. Personal care of parents.
Being parents is difficult if parents are under emotional stress and anxiety. However, parents will find it easier to raise a child and enjoy more when parents care themselves by doing the following tips.
5.1 Work as a team. Being parents is easier if parents agreed to discipline their children, help each other, and discuss the issues about child raising.
5.2 Avoid quarreling in front of a child. Children are particularly sensitive to the conflict of adults, especially, frequent quarrel without an end. If there is a problem, parents should find time to consult each other.
5.3 Get encouragement. All of parents need support from each other, support from their family, friends, or neighbors to discuss and share feelings.
5.4 Find a time to relax. Finding some time to relax is possible. Parents should find someone who can be trusted to take care of the kid while parents rest and relax together.
Skills needed to be parents
Parenting skills are aimed to support the development of children's behavior with creative ways that do not hurt the children. Children who grow under the care of their parents with proper skills will develop life skills, grow with self- esteem and have not serious behavioral problems.
1. Skills to build good relationship with a baby
1.1 Give a child time. Kids can sense the attention that parents have on them, even for a short time. If parents take time to do activities that they are interested in together happily and regularly, it will be of high value to their feelings. The very special time for children is the time when they walk up to the parents to say or do something, or ask their parents to participate in a certain activity and parents respond to them by pausing what they are doing. In addition, parents should plan a time to spend with their children each day which is varied in each family
1.2 Talk to kids. Communication with children stimulates both conversation and social skills. It also promotes a pride for children. It should include the important skills like paying attention and listening to what the children are interested in. Notice what children love to do and talk with them about that activity is a good start for talking with them when they are ready to talk.
1.3 Show kids love. The expression of love is to show interest and care to children by touching, embracing and supporting. This will help children feel the love and joy. They can get and give good feelings to others in the future. Showing love in the first 2-3 years of life will enhance the deep and firm tie to parents.
2. Skills required to encourage childrens good behaviors
2.1 Show compliments. Children are satisfied with praise. Parents should encourage them with common words such as wonderful, great, we like that so much and so on, when they show good behaviors. Tell them what you really like. For instance, we are very satisfied that you help collect toys after playing. The specific example of compliments gives better results than a general word because it helps children understand that which of their behaviors is already receiving praise and encourages them to repeat that behavior over and over.
2.2 Pay attention to a baby. There are many ways to express your interests in your child; smiling, eye contact, carrying him on your lap, rubbing his cheek, tapping his shoulder, or sitting with him. Performing these interests can encourage good behaviors continuously. It can be used together with compliments.
2.3 Create activities suitable for his age. Giving children with activities that can be played alone and/or developed by themselves at their own age under a safe environment with a variety of interesting things can stimulate the childhood development. The kid will spend most of his time on these activities which help promote good behaviors of the players. These activities need not to be expensive, but it is something that the children are interested.
3. Skills necessary for kids
Skills that should be taught to children are essential for him to be independent and able to live with other people. These skills include;
Communication
Sharing opinions
Telling needs
Asking for help when needed
Accepting social rules
Emotional management
Expressing emotions appropriately
Proper emotional management
Know how to control emotions when they face any situation that constitutes provocation to violence or unsafe incident.
Independence
Self help according to developmental stage
Able to play or do activities alone
Problem solving
Questioning and asking for help
Showing interests and curiosities
Solving problem alone
Knowing how to assess the situation as uncertainty and stay away from the situation that is not safe.
How to teach these skills
1. Be a Good Model. Children learn from observing people around them. Parents should be a good model to handle situations, and do not expect the kids to follow the rules that everyone in the house can usually do. Behave correctly and explain to the children to help them imitate the behavior or sometimes need to help at the beginning and encourages them to do by themselves until they succeed.
2. Teach when the chance is open. When a kid approaches his parents for help, it is a time he is ready to learn, and parents should use this opportunity to teach him by giving him the answers he needs and ask him some questions that enhance the learning process. However, if the child does not respond, parents should wait for next time.
3. Request a child to do. It is a good way to have a kid practice routine activities so he can help himself. Training should gradually begin as soon as the child is ready for such step, for example, use of restroom. Start from having a child tell when he feels like peeing, urinating in a urinary pot. Then, practice how to use the toilet by telling him to do step by step. Encourage him to do it for the first time, may hold his hand to do it and reduce support. Give him a compliment for his cooperation or what he has regularly done and reduce it.
4. Behavior record is used to motivate children to practice new skills, behavioral modification training or achieving tasks. Schedule desired behaviors clearly, use stickers as a point for reward when children behave what they see a tangible success. The collection of stickers or points may also be used to get a reward or do some special activities.
4. Skills to manage problem behaviors.
The child should learn how to deal with pressure or disappointment caused by any uncertainty. Parents themselves need to know how to handle a situation like this in order to help children learn how to control themselves. Key rule to deal with this is consistent, clear and immediate action.
4.1 Clearly define the basic rules of the house. Children learn better in an environment with clear boundaries that help children know Dos and Donts. Family rules should be fair for them, not too difficult to do, and when they grow up, they should take part in setting whether what could do more than addressing more rules.
4.2 Discuss the problem directly. When children do not follow the rules, which may happen, the direct talk to discuss the issue together should be used to encourage them to find a new way.
4.3 Reduce attention. Sometimes, a child will have a little behavioral problem. Parents should ignore them until that behavior stops and praise them when they stop the bad behavior. Do not use this method for children with severe behavioral problem. Immediate action should be taken to deal with such violent behavior.
4.4 Clearly tell the needs. When parents want children to do something, clearly explain it. The tip of success is parents should prepare themselves emotionally as well as observe the children. If possible, let them finish the ongoing activities or find good timing to interrupt. Then, use the process below.
Approach the child and draw his attention. Parents need to stop what the child is doing. Sit close to him about one arm length away at his eye level and call his name.
Clearly tell him what you want him to do exactly.
Give him time to do, sit with him until he starts doing as mentioned.
Say thanks for his cooperation.
If the child does not follow, parents should tell him again. If he still does nothing, use the following methods to cope with.
4.5 The ways to manage the child to do what he should do. When a kid does not do what the parents tell him to do, proper actions should be managed to some extent by following the step below.
Stop that activity if it leads to problem behaviors. Parents need to stop that behavior and explain to the child. For instance, I should keep this toy because you do not share it with others.
Keep your own words if you told or promised something as to stop him from doing some problem behaviors. You should strictly do it. For example, at 5 pm you will turn on the television again.
Tackle the problem quickly. Avoid a debate on the issue when problem behavior occurs. Do not just argue without doing anything. It should take 5-30 minutes to manage.
Use rationale. Proper action should be sufficient to deal with the problem. If you stop the activity but when return to do it, children still start doing the problem behavior again; stop that activity with longer period than the first time. If you are still unsuccessful, make use of the following way instead.
4.6 Use of the quiet corner is the way that allows a child to learn his behaviors by isolating him from the situation. Let him sit in the corner of the room alone at a given time.
When a problem arises, deal with it quickly, draw his attention and clearly tell the needs. For example, ask the child to stop pushing the younger and praise him when he stops.
If problem behaviors occur repeatedly, tell him again. "You have not stopped pushing the younger". Tell him the consequences like, "you have to sit in a corner for five minutes". Parents should show a serious action, rather than just argue with him. Parents should pay less attention to his gestures while he is in a quiet room. It is a peaceful time.
When a set time is met, do not repeat the matter. Find a new activity for him to do. Praise him if he does it well.
4.7 Take time out. Time out is next method to manage the child whom the quiet corner method is not used successfully. The parents should release themselves from the situation instead of shouting loudly or threatening the child. Threatening or shouting at the child can cause parents to lose control or even hurt the child. The use of time-out is similar to the quiet corner that the child is taken away to another place. The separate room should not be filled with toys, but safe.
Before making use of time-out technique, agreements on whether which behavior will need time out should be previously explained.
When the problem occurs, start from paying attention to a child by telling him what he should stop and what he should do instead.
If a kid does not stop that behavior, apply the time-out tip with calm but serious manner. Parents should not repeat the issue or argue with loud voice.
During the time out, tell him the rules that once he is calm down, he can then survive from the time out. Do not take it too long. Children at the age of 2-3 years may take 1-2 minutes, 3-5 minutes for 4-5 years old, and 10 minutes for older children. Do not leave him with the time out till you forget that he is excluded.
Stop paying attention for the first period of the time out. A child may resist by screaming, kicking and punching. Parents should not respond to these behaviors until the time is over. Without any attention taken as he is rampant, he will start to calm down.
When a set time is over, do not repeat the matter. Find a new activity for him to do. Praise him if he does it well. If problem behavior still exists, time out can be used over and over.
Parents may keep records of time out and will find that each time out will last shorter and be reduced. Problem that may arise from using time out which parents feel it is not effective. This is because parents let a kid define time, parents are not consistent and parents give up when a child is rampant.
5. Communication Skills in a Family
Communication within the family is particularly important to convey feelings through words and gesture as detailed below.
Eye contact makes the conversation easier to understand and help reduce bad emotion occurred during conversation.
Facial expression shows the feelings of the partner and can choose words to speak properly.
Postures and gestures such as nodding and bowing forwards make another person happy to chat with.
Contacts such as holding hands and embracing create warmth and make good understanding with an intimacy without using loud voice.
5.1 Positive Communication
Open communication will help parents and a child understand each other and influence their communication tie as to convey their needs in everyday life. There are basic skills that should be learned and applied as follows.
Telling how you feel creates correct understanding for others.
Asking and getting the opinions of others allow you to know their feelings while questioning when you do not understand initiates a two way communication.
Showing appreciations and thanks are communication skills important to induce good relationship.
5.2 Negative Communication
Negative communication will be expressed in both words and body language. Its characteristics include:
Being suppressed- no words, avoiding conflicts, but inside are filled with anger, hurt and anxiety.
Being vague- not making the needs clear, having to guess and not being able to respond exactly to the needs.
Being bossy- a manner to set criteria for others.
Being irony, comparative, blaming, complaining and criticizing while teaching.
Tips for Raising a Child
Parenting is an art that each couple owns a piece of art. One who succeeds in raising children may have some tips that make kids grow efficiently.
1. Parents and a child should have some activities together on vacation and should have time to express their love to each other and learn from each other.
2. Punishment should be done with clarification on why a kid needs to be punished. Do not punish him with violence or excessive force.
3. Parents should allow a child to negotiate, communicate, argue, give reasons, and feedback to express their feelings. Thus, he will learn to be a good, logical and meaningful listener and speaker.
4. Parents should not protect their children from the real world all the time. They will become vulnerable and unable to bear the sufferings and disappointments.
5. Do not rush a child to resume responsibility or succeed faster than physical, emotional and social readiness.
6. Do not stigmatize a child. It is a building of negative relationships with him. It may make him learn to be what parents stigmatize him.
7. Do not be violent with him for both physical and emotional aspects, or severely neglected. It can cause him fail to build relationships with others, love neither himself nor others.
References
Department of Mental Health, Ministry of Public Health. A Guide to Promoting Familys Relationship. 4th Edition. Bangkok: Cooperative Federation Printing
Agriculture of Thailand Co., Ltd. February BE2551
Advisor
Punpimol Vipulakorn, M.D.
Authors
Vanida Chaninthayuthawongse Rajanukul Institute
Jeerapa Jaraswanichpongse Rajanukul Institute
Chutiwan Kaewsai Rajanukul Institute
Chanthanee Moongkhetklang Rajanukul Institute
Pornpimol Theeranun Rajanukul Institute
Niramai Koomraksa Rajanukul Institute
Ratchadawan Daengsuk Rajanukul Institute
Supornpan Srihirunrasmi Rajanukul Institute
Ajjima Siripiboonphol Rajanukul Institute
